Interlude: Shadow
I’ve never done an analysis on a song before, the closest thing was poetry back in high school. But for this particular song I felt the need to, I relate to these lyrics to such extent and I feel their meaning deep within myself. This song is very dear to my heart. When I was lost, it spoke to me and when I found myself, it brought me up. My shadow and I, us together as one.
“I wanna be a rap star
I wanna be the top
I wanna be a rockstar
I want it all mine
I wanna be rich
I wanna be the king
I wanna be me
I want a big thing
Oh boy let me see
I got a big dream, yeah.”
Even though I am not a musician myself, I believe there’s more to this than the simple meaning of a dream. Yoongi’s words flow out so easily and yet they carry with them such a heavy burden. “I wanna be the top”, “I want it all mine”, “I wanna be the king” and then at the end of the day, “I wanna be me”. We all get lost in our search for greatness, we all lose who we are into our desire of success, hence a duality of ourselves is created, a shadow we show more than the true us.
When I tell you I relate to these lyrics to a different level, I mean it. I spent my entire life chasing dreams and hopes, always afraid by that I could not understand, always afraid by how changed I’ll be at the end of it all.
“Yeah, hmm, 발 밑에 그림자
고개 숙여보니 더 커지잖아
도망쳐봤자 날 따라오는 저 빛과 비례하는 내 그림자
두려워, 높이 나는 게 난 무섭지”
“Yeah, hmm, shadow at my feet
Look down, it’s gotten even bigger
I run but the shadow follows, as dark as the light’s intense
I’m afraid, flying high is terrifying”
In this part of the song, you can feel the fear that comes with fame and success, without you yourself actually experiencing it at the same extent as Yoongi himself. The higher you go, the more success you attain, the brighter the light that shines on you, the darker the shadow that envelopes you.
“아무도 말 안 해줬잖아, 여기가 얼마나 외로운지 말야
나의 도약은 추락이 될 수 있단 걸
이제 알겠어, 때론 도망이 차선이란 걸, pause
사람들은, 뭐, 말하지, 저 빛 속은 찬란하네
근데 내 그림자는 되려 더 그저 나를 삼켜 괴물이 돼
저 위로 위로, 또 위로 위로만 가다 보니 여긴 어디로
또 위로 위로만 가는 (싫어 난)
무사하길 빌어 빌어”
“No one told me how lonely it is up here
I can leap in the air but also plunge, now I know
Running away could be an option too, pause
People say, there’s splendor in that bright light
But my growing shadow swallows me and becomes a monster
Up high, high, and higher, higher
I only go higher and vertigo overtakes me
I rise, rise, I hate it
I pray, I pray, hoping to be okay”
It’s true, nobody tells you how lonely it gets as you move up in life, nobody tells you about the envy and hatred directed at you as you succeed and fulfill your dreams. It gets so lonely, it’s unbearable sometimes and the fear of falling off your pedestal keeps you awake at night, the fear of failure, disappointment and all the consequences that come with them. The higher you go, the harder the fall, the lonelier the path, the darker the shadow of your own existence. Praying, praying for it all to be okay. Praying for no falls, no fuck ups. Praying to survive it all.
“나의 바람대로 높게 날고 있는 순간
저 내려쬐는 빛에 더 커진 그림자
Please don’t let me shine
Don’t let me down
Don’t let me fly
이제는 두려워”
“The moment I’m flying high as I wished
My shadow grows in that blasting stark light
Please don’t let me shine
Don’t let me down
Don’t let me fly
Now I’m afraid”
Reaching your goals, making your dreams come true and yet the shadow of your doubts and anxieties lingers around, never truly leaving you. “My shadow grows in that blasting stark light”, in a way, the closer you get to the sun, the more you burn just like Icarus’s wings. “Now I’m afraid”, as anyone who reaches such stardom would be, afraid of insecurities, of people, of yourself.
“가장 밑바닥의 나를 마주하는 순간
공교롭게도 여긴 장공이잖아
Please don’t let me shine
Don’t let me down
Don’t let me fly
이제는 무서워
Don’t let me shine”
“The moment I face myself brought lowest
It so happens that I’m flying the highest
Please don’t let me shine
Don’t let me down
Don’t let me fly
Now I’m scared
Don’t let me shine”
Scared of everything that made you, scared of everything that can break you. Getting up, achieving your goals takes years of hard work, blood, sweat and tears, but falling, failing can take a blink of an eye. “Don’t let me fly”, “Don’t let me shine”, afraid of it all, it’s scary to even have aspirations so great, they seem impossible.
“웃어봐 뭘 망설여
네가 바라던 게 이런 게 아니었니
울던가 뭐가 두려워
네가 원하던 게 이런 게 아니었니
네가 바란 삶 네가 원한 삶
네가 택한 삶 후회 없이 다 이뤘지
거기에다 너는 big house, big cars, big rings
네가 원한 건 모든 걸 다 가졌지
근데 뭐가 문제야 즐겨”
“Smile, why are you hesitating for
Isn’t it something like this that you wished for
Or cry, what are you afraid of
Isn’t it something like this that you wanted
The life you wished for, the life you wanted,
The life you chose, you achieved everything with no regrets
On top of that, you have a big house, big cars, big rings,
You have everything you wanted”
This is all you’ve wished for. “…a big house, big cars, big rings”, “You have everything you wanted”, to me this seems a way of your own shadow to taunt you, to toy with you. Smile, this is what you wanted. “Cry, what are you afraid of?”. I’m afraid of this loneliness, of the pain that comes with it. I now have everything I’ve ever wanted, so what’s next? Tell me, shadow.
“아님 놓던가 싫어?
그럼 달리던가 뭐 멈추던가
한 가지만 하라고 징징대지 말고
알려준 적 없다고? (Yeah yeah)
정말 몰랐었냐고? (Oh no)
네가 가진 만큼만 나는 가져갈게 그게 뭐든지 말야
때론 너의 휴식은 추락이 된단 걸
이제야 알겠니매번 최선이 최선이란 걸”
“Or let it go, you don’t want to?
Then run, or pause
Stop whining and do one or the other
You’re saying I haven’t taught you that? (Yeah yeah)
You’re asking if I really didn’t know? (Oh no)
I’ll take away exactly as much as you have, whatever it is
That sometimes your rest can be your fall
Do you get it only now that doing the best every time is the first best”
How can I let it all go after all the sacrifices I’ve made? Running away, run away and never look back, let you win and abandon myself. I’m doing my best, can’t you see? See me for who I am and not for who I’ve been showing the world, me and the shadow, me and myself.
“I wanna be a rap star
I wanna be the top
I wanna be a rockstar
I want it all mine
I wanna be rich
I wanna be the king
I wanna be me
I wanna be…”
Repeating it like a chant, a prayer. I wanna be the top, I want it all mine, I wanna be the king and I also want to be me. Me who was before and never left, me who was forgotten until now, me who has fought the world with all my might, me.
“그래 나는 너고 너는 나야, 이젠 알겠니
그래 너는 나고 나는 너야, 이젠 알겠지
우린 한 몸인 것도, 때론 부딪치겠지
너는 절대 나를 떼어낼 수 없어, 알겠지 yeah yeah
떼어낼 수 없어 니가 뭐를 하던지 yeah
인정하는 게 더 편안하겠지 yeah
성공 거부 실패, 어디 있던지 yeah
도망칠 수 없어 어딜 가던지 yeah
나는 너고 너는 나야, 알겠니
너는 나고 나는 너야, 알겠니
우린 한 몸이고 부딪치겠지
우린 너고 우린 나야, 알겠니”
“Yeah I’m you, you are me, now do you know
Yeah you are me, I’m you, now you do know
We are one body, sometimes we will clash
You can never break me off, this you must know
Yeah yeah can’t break me off, whatever you do
Yeah you’ll be at ease if you admit it too
Yeah succeed or fail, whichever way you flow
Yeah you can’t escape, wherever you go
I am you, you are me, now you do know
You are me, I am you, now do you know
We are one body and we are gonna clash
We are you, we are me, this do you know”
Shadow, I am you and you are me. I’ll continue to fight and I’ll continue to rise. I’ll become more, I’ll succeed and I’ll fall and I’ll try again. Me who was afraid, me who was scared of you, my own shadow, plague of my existence, my only friend. I am you and you are me, we are one body, we will clash, we will fight, we are one. We will fly together and we will crash into the atmosphere together and burn bright like meteorites, we will be dust together because without me you are nothing and without you, I am not myself.
