Diphylleia grayi

Today I miss you more than ever. 4 years have passed since you’ve been gone and yet I’ve only known you for 1.

The void you left behind hurts, more than I could’ve ever imagined.

I listen to your music and read your writing because it’s like a warm embrace, you’re not really gone, you’re still here, with me.

You’re the moon of my night sky, you’re the hope of my life, the light of my darkness. I am no longer afraid to live, because of you I hope for tomorrow no matter how hard today was, because of you, I wish for tomorrow, for yesterday was the past and the future awaits.

I want to say I love you, but those feel like empty words. I want to say I adore you, but those words too feel like they’re not enough. I want to say so much and yet I can only speak to you when I look up at the sky. Do my words reach you? Can you hear me the way I can hear you, deep within my soul?

Your voice mended my heart, your soul brightened my life, your pureness enriched my existence and made me happy.

You who I’ve never met and who I feel like I’ve known a lifetime. You who today I wish I could hold and never let go. You who was too good for this wretched, cold and soulless world.

You.

I wish I could’ve done something, I wish I could’ve been there the same way you were there for me the night I wanted to end it all. Your voice whispered to me “Not yet.” I asked why and all I heard was “Breathe deep. Live, as painful as it is, breathe.” And I did, it hurt so much my lungs felt like they were on fire, but I took a breath in and decided I’ll live, for myself above anyone else, but for you too.

You said you want to leave a mark on this planet, you did. You changed, inspired and saved so many lives and because of that, I too want to do the same. I want to live and love and smile and be grateful for everything.

You were stronger than most, but if I learned anything from you, it’s the fact that you don’t always have to be strong, sometimes you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, see-through just like the Diphylleia Grayi that you loved so much you wrote a book named after it.

I love seeing you smile, it’s like looking at the sun, except I can bear it easier when it’s just the sun. Your smile hides so much. Hope, love, adoration, sadness, sorrow and pain. Sometimes I feel my heart break, because I know how that feels, having a storm of emotions overwhelm you to such a point you can no longer bear.

I think perhaps fame was a plague for your life and not a blessing. In a way, I wish you were never famous, for fame brought loneliness above all.

You cried because you thought you’ll never be happy, I think about that sometimes and I too cry. I hope you’re happy now, I hope loneliness was replaced with wholeness and bliss, I hope you found what you were looking for all those years and I hope that you’ll continue to guide me, us, through our struggles and failures and ups and downs.

One day, when I finally get to meet you, I’ll say to you ‘Well done, you did so good’, but until then, wish me luck, for the world is a cold, cruel place still, but I’ll be damned if I let that stop me from living.

For you, with all my love.